How to Write a Sympathy Note

“When a person is bereaved the simple, sincere expressions of sympathy you write are deeply felt and appreciated. At this time of withdrawal from the world, 

your letter can be a warm and understanding handclasp.”

--Eaton Paper Company, 1954

When someone we know is grieving, we wonder what we can possibly say or do to help.   I like the advice above from a little letter writing pamphlet published in 1954--keep your words simple and sincere and think of them as "a warm and understanding handclasp."   

There are no hard and fast rules to writing sympathy notes, and good advice abounds (see below), but when I write I try to remember these things:

Keep it simple (I have to remember that less is more). 

Use plain language (write like I would talk and try not to overstate).

Avoid possibly hurtful phrases (see some of the suggestions from the sources below).

Share a memory or kind words about the person (in the case of a death) if I knew the person.

And I try to follow this one "rule"--

Always write a sympathy note (this type of correspondence should be high on the priority list).  

It's never too late to write one.

Over the years I have read a lot on this topic, and a simple google search yields plenty of advice.  Here are some sources I have found to be helpful:

How to Write a Sympathy Note from Real Simple

How to Write the Perfect Note/Condolence Note from Real Simple

How to Write: Sympathy Notes (from the European Paper Company; found via this post on the LWA blog)

The Art of Letter Writing:  The Sympathy Note from The Art of Manliness blog

I think this part in particular from The Art of Manliness is well-put:

"While the bad news is that there’s nothing you can write to take away a person’s pain, the good news is that the grieving friend knows this just as well as you do. They’re not expecting something profound. They just want to know that you’re thinking of them and feeling for them."

All of this has helped to give me perspective as I think through the best way to communicate sympathy.  I would encourage you not to be fearful as you write, afraid to say the wrong thing, or overly ambitious, trying to say all of the right things.  

Instead, be more aware of the person to whom you are writing than of your writing itself.  The simplest "I am so sorry.  I am thinking of you," can often be the best.  Think of your words as "a warm and understanding handclasp" or a big hug, two things that are always welcome.  

Have you been the recipient of a meaningful sympathy note?  
What other suggestions would you give?  

simple handmade sympathy card

Lately, I have been making my own sympathy cards rather than buying them at the store.  I find this works better for me for a few reasons--I don't have to go to the store to look for one--one less obstacle in the way of my good intentions; I can make it say what I want it to say; I can keep it simple.

I love buying cards at the store (I love it when I have the time to browse without hurry), but I usually have a hard time finding a sympathy card that feels authentic to me.  I know that good sympathy cards exist (I have been the recipient of some myself), but I guess it just takes a little longer to find the right one.

So I still keep an eye out for the good ones, but when I do not already have an appropriate card on hand for a situation, I make my own.

Because I am the type that can spend hours on a single card, though, I have to keep it super simple so that it actually gets done.   This combination has been working well for me lately:

a large flower stamp + a plain card + a lined envelope.

First, stamp the outside of the card and set it aside to dry.  (I tell myself to leave well enough alone--no writing or stamping a word or phrase on the outside--just the flower.)

While the image is drying, line the envelope.

Once that is done, write your message on the inside of the card.

I have used cream/charcoal, navy/gold, and kraft/cream for different cards.  I think the kraft color is a little casual for a sympathy card for someone grieving a death, but it could be appropriate for reaching out to someone who is dealing with an extended illness or something similar.

These cards may be too simple for some, but they work well for what I want out of a sympathy card--that it be respectful and pretty.  Keeping the design simple allows me to focus more on the message that I write on the inside (which is, after all, the most important part of a sympathy card).

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I would love to know--what do you do when you need to write a sympathy card?  

Do you make your own or buy one?  

Do you find yourself going back to a certain line or brand of cards or an online seller? 

I always love finding new stationery shops and sources.