what would you send in a "feel better" care package?

"feel better" letterpress card from Smock Paper

Happy Monday, thoughtful friends!

I have a question for you all . . . my 12-year-old cousin is having ACL surgery this Thursday, and I want to send her and her mom a little care package (I'd like to get it in the mail tomorrow).

Do you have any suggestions for me?  My cousin seems super young to be having surgery for her ACL :( , and her mom is more than a little nervous about the whole thing.

I have never had surgery, and I've never been in the hospital for anything other than having babies!  I don't really know what it's like.  My husband had out-patient surgery several years ago, but I guess I was too busy taking care of him to take note of the details.  I do remember that it's a really weird feeling to just walk away as the one you love is going under anesthesia.  I remember wanting to stay right by him.  It was a really helpless and unnatural feeling.  I can't imagine going through it as a mom.

I remember Jeff was really loopy when he woke up, and he kept itching his nose . . . and I remember that he got sick to his stomach later that evening from all the anesthesia.  :(

But what's an ACL surgery like?

I have been telling my friend Stephanie that she is going to get her own post dedicated to "what to do when your friend has 100 knee surgeries" . . . so this could be considered a little trial run.  What do you say, Steph?

Now that I think of it, both my cousin Kara and my brother-in-law Dan have had knee surgery as well.  Lisa, do you or Dan want to chime in here?  :)  Kara?

[No sweat to those of you that have been called out by name . . . if you are able to comment, don't feel like you have to write your own post (we'll do that later, heehee).  Just a few helpful tips or some insight into the experience would be grand.]

I will be back with a few more posts this week, but for now I would really love any suggestions that any of you might have for a nice little care package!

Thank you so much, friends!

:) amber

what to do when . . . someone you know miscarries, Part 2

give chocolate :)
"Outrageous Chocolate Cookies"  from MarthaStewart.com

Yesterday, I began this series of posts with some things to consider if you are trying to care for a friend who has recently miscarried.  Today I thought I would mention a few more practical things, in case you want to show your support with a small gift, send a card, or just pay your friend a visit and talk.

Think "comfort"

When friends or family members have asked me for advice on what they can do for a friend who has miscarried, I have encouraged them to think about simple "comfort" gifts.   After a miscarriage, there is physical pain (in differing amounts, depending on the circumstances) and--if not extreme pain--then real discomfort.  Basically, your body is going through the labor process and aftermath.  I was not in excruciating pain, though I have known others who miscarried around the same time I did who described the pain as much worse.  It could have something to do with the fact that we all experience labor differently.  But even without intense pain, it definitely felt like a very, very bad period (and was compounded by sadness).

So my first suggestion would be:  give chocolate.  A pan of warm brownies (I craved them afterwards) or chocolate cookies or candy . . . you get the idea.  :)

Food is always a welcome gift (at least for me!).  You could bring your friend some yummy soup and bread or any other comfort food staple.  My sister-in-law Michelle took her friend warm potato soup with a sweet note attached.

For the first week or two, all I really felt like doing was curling up in bed or resting on the couch while Caroline played around me.  Considering this, another nice gesture might be a gift of comfy pajama pants or cozy socks.

You could bring your friend some popcorn + chocolate and loan her some movies to watch while in hibernation mode.  Offer to watch one with her one evening to keep her company if she wants it.  But don't be bothered if she just wants to be alone.  Everyone is going to handle the situation differently and will go through phases of wanting company and wanting to be alone.  If you are not sure, just ask.

Offer to help with practical needs

Bringing food or meals, as mentioned above, would be one way to meet a very practical need.  Also, if your friend has little children and you are in a position to help with babysitting, ask her if you can watch them while she goes to follow-up doctor appointments.

Since she might not feel like getting out much unless she absolutely has to, give her a call or text when you are running to the store or doing errands, and offer to pick up some things she is needing.

Follow up with her

It helps to know what your friend is going through medically.  Feel free to ask questions about how she is feeling and what the doctors are saying at her appointments (and get a feel for if she is up for talking about these things).  She may have follow-up appointments for several weeks.  In my case, my body was taking care of things naturally (I didn't need a D&C), but I did have to go to the doctor once a week for (I think) about 5 weeks so that they could draw blood and see that my pregnancy hormone levels were going down.

Doctor visits were hard because they still regarded me as an OB patient, even though the pregnancy had "ended."  At each visit, the receptionist said something like,  "And what are you here for today?" and I had to explain (if I were a little more direct about things, I might have politely asked them to look at my chart or make a note instead of making me explain it every time).

In addition to doctor visits, there is the everyday reminder of the miscarriage in the form of a heavy blood flow for several weeks.  Nobody wants a five-week-long period in the first place, and it it is especially hard to deal with in this situation because of what it represents.  I handled this better on some days than on others.  Just be aware that even on "good" days, emotions can go up and down.

Acknowledge the loss

No matter your relationship with the person who has miscarried, it is always nice to acknowledge the loss and show you care.  You may not be best friends or the person she will discuss her emotions with every week, but don't let that keep you from sending a card or getting in touch somehow.   I treasure the cards I have from that time because they are the only physical reminders I have that the pregnancy existed (aside from the due date written and crossed out in my planner from that year).

My cousin Molly said one of the most meaningful gifts she received after her miscarriage was a handmade ornament that had the date she miscarried and the phrase "angels watch over baby" printed on it.  She said it it helped to validate for her that she had carried a baby and that she has a baby waiting for her in heaven.  I think this is a beautiful idea.  

No matter what you do, know that it means a lot just to receive acknowledgement and support and that any gesture made will be remembered with gratitude.  

***

If you have miscarried and want to share the thoughtful things that others did for you, please feel welcome to do so.  And please email me if you want or need to talk. 

Lots of love to those who have lost a baby of your own 

and to all of the friends that are showing they care.  ♥  

what to do when . . . someone you know miscarries

I miscarried my second pregnancy in January of 2007 at 10.5 weeks.   Chances are, you or someone you know has had the painful experience of miscarriage as well.  The doctor I saw after I miscarried gave me a statistic similar to this one from the American Pregnancy Association: "anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage."  I believe he told me this in an effort to comfort me, saying that it is not uncommon and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. 

But when you are hurting, hearing that the pain you feel is "common" really doesn't help.  

Thankfully, though, there are some things that do. Here is the advice I give to anyone who asks how they can be sensitive to a friend who has just miscarried.

Understand that some people will treat your friend's miscarriage as a statistic.  
None of my friends did this, but it did seem like that was how the doctors viewed it.  If you think about it, they see it a lot and it is not shocking to them at all.  But for the woman experiencing the miscarriage, it can be very shocking going from the excitement and hope over the news of a baby to the grief  and despair over having lost it . . . all within a fairly short time.  Keep in mind that your friend may be getting this perspective from her doctor or possibly others, and that it is very alienating because it seems they are not understanding her hurt or treating the miscarriage as the loss that it is.

Remember that your friend is specifically grieving the loss of the baby she carried.  
Maybe at some point there will be doubts or fears as to whether or not she will have other babies, but realize that more than anything what saddens her right now is that she lost this baby.  Your grieving with her over this one pregnancy will mean more to her than trying to encourage her that she will surely get pregnant again someday.

Similarly, if she already has children, they will definitely be a source of comfort (already having Caroline was the greatest comfort to me), but don't feel like you need to point that out to her.  While  statements like, "At least you have Caroline" or "at least you have other children," are well-meaning, they deflect the attention away from the grief over losing this child and seem to minimize it.

Recognize that you don't have to say that much.
With the above suggestions in mind, don't worry too much about saying just the right thing.  In fact, probably the most helpful thing to realize is that you do not need to be the source of comfort with your words, nor do you have to have any answers.  Just reaching out when you hear the news means so much.  Don't try too hard--just be honest.  It's perfectly fine to say, "I am so, so sorry . . . I don't even know what to say," or, "I am so sad to hear about the baby . . . I don't know what to say--I just want you to know I care."

Then follow that up by telling her how much she has been on your mind and ask her how she is feeling.  Listen if she wants to talk.  Ask her questions to understand where she is coming from. Informed, caring listening is one of the most helpful things you can offer a friend after a miscarriage.

**For more practical suggestions on what you can do to help, read part 2 of this series right here.

If you have experienced a miscarriage and want to share your thoughts, please feel free to email me or leave a comment here.  What advice would you give to someone who wants to care for a friend after a miscarriage?